Good presence on dates, in chats, in bed, is lack of shame. Not just controlled shame but lack of it around who you are and what you want. There’s stuff to control—language, timing, logistics—but when you’re busy controlling shame you lose energy for connection and presence. With all else equal, even if you can’t get rid of shame, you’re better off expressing it as part of the interaction and controlling what can actually be controlled.

In most dating situations, what you think is shameful—your core self, quirks, honest desire—will be embraced if you show it as it is. Or if it isn’t, as long as you don’t retreat too much, if you stand there “naked” with your shame and your message, a thick skin starts to grow because there’s nothing real to defend. People throwing stones or withholding validation are in their own world. There’s space between you and them. That space is your emotional skin and protection in relationships.

If you stand there long enough, still present with her, you start seeing that space and how they can’t really hurt you unless you collapse into shame. Then you can take what’s useful from their reactions and cater your message or behavior if that genuinely interests you, not because you’re desperate. In dating, this is the difference between needy approval-seeking and grounded flirting.

For the core shame, there’s nothing wrong with you standing there and “delivering a message” to a woman—showing interest, attraction, sexuality. The shame in this situation is misplaced; it’s a misunderstanding, a roleplay learned from family, porn, religion, failed relationships. It shouldn’t be there—not like a monster that must be killed, but like a piece of furniture that doesn’t belong in this room. Good dating presence is simply you, unjammed by shame.